I am in a trying time at this moment. I do not like my job and feel worn out. I am working very hard hours. I am wondering why I am pouring all of my energy into that place and not into my family. I would love to be able to be with them, and involved. I would love to be able to be more of a wife to my husband. He sees me not happy, not smiling. We don't do anything with others. I wish it was different. I feel that I am wasting this year away. I am excited for next year to be involved with them. I am scared too that money will be an issue. I am praying that I am listening to God and not ignoring him.

Tests in life

Last night in bible study we were talking about tests. In times of tests....what do you do?

I have been in the middle of a test, and I don't see it ending anytime soon. God wants me to get an A.

I love being married to my husband. This year has been an awesome year in our marriage. It's becoming a step mom that has not been easy. It's learning that I not only married my husband, but I also married his ex wife, and anyone she has married...past and present. It changes everything.

This week....she told her daughter that I was taking care of her......she never asked me. I lost it. In my heart I knew that she had not looked for care for my step daughter. We asked her a week before if she had lined anything up....no answer. Then the night before we were to drop her off....I was asking my step daughter what she had planned for the next day, and she said....I don't know...i'm staying here. I said...oh...no one mentioned that to me. She said....my mom said that I am staying here. I was mad because this is not the first time that she had told her she was doing something without asking me first. If I was going to have her watch my kids....i would ask first, before assuming that I didn't have any plans.

I am acting like a little child with all of this. I don't know how not to. I am not showing Grace at all. I don't like this side of me.....and it's new for me. I pray that I will be on my knees through all of this. I am praying for my relationship with my step daughter. It is strained....I wish it was easy, but it's not.

My Life so far...

It's A New Day

When I last wrote I said I could feel God's hands working in my life. I was so excited for what he was going to do in me. HE was asking me to patiently wait for HIS plan to unfold. Part of his plan unfolded last June. I married a great guy ,who is always trying to grow in his relationship with God. He constantly challenges me....(sometimes I love this, and other times I'm grumbling under my breath.) So this is our first year of marriage and now we have 4 kids in our house. How many marriages start out with 4 kids? It has been fun but also challenging. Anyone who thinks they are going to get married and it will all be easy is wrong. Marriage is the hardest relationship and the best at the same time. I love Rich with all of my heart. I love to spend time with him...I wish there was more time in the day to be with him. I think the hard part about marriage is letting go of the selfishness and being completely naked in front of someone. I know, I know I said naked. I mean naked in the sense of standing before someone asking, will you or do you love me even though you know all of my good and bad? Will you leave me? It's not easy to be naked in any way. Are you fully comfortable? After giving birth to three kids...I'm not. (LOL)

I have learned a lot in the short time of our marriage. I have learned that I'm a carrot. Yes...I am a carrot...I said it and now you are probably wondering why I call myself a carrot. Shortly after Rich and I got married we went to a Step family class at church. The class was awesome. What they said was that a step family is a crock pot. Some people in the family are potatoes and soften and blend quickly. Others are carrots and need more time to soften up. We all don't soften up at the same time. Rich and three of the kids are potatoes and two of us are carrots. So things that would be and should be so much fun....are sometimes difficult for the two of us. We are all learning and softening. I guess this blog will now become about our crock pot.....what a journey that will be.

blessings to all and to all a date night. That is where I am headed...date night.

Beautiful Spring

I think spring is beautiful!!! I notice all of the new life coming soon. I think this year more so than others because so many wonderful women that I know are either having little ones, or starting a new life. So I think of spring as new life. I have never been so excited to see what God has in store for me in this next year. I feel God's hands working in my life, and I'm blessed. I'm not anxious, just happy. I see all of these other people going on new paths of their lives, and it makes me so get excited for the future. I don't want to hurry anything, but be content with watching the change. I guess just as you can't hurry the flowers to bloom.... God has the perfect time for all things to happen. Praise God!!

P E A C E

P E A C E
It's early in the morning and snow is falling from the sky. I am listening to a soft piano music. I love to watch the snow fall. I hope you have peace today. Peace in knowing that God loves you and he is in control of your life, hopes and dreams. Blessings

Cleaning out my house....

I went to my women's group this Wednesday. This past summer it was such a blessing to be in the presence of all of these great, safe, Christian women. Our group has grown to 25 women now. There is such a need for women small groups. A place where we can go and let it all out. Nobody will judge you. Somewhat like Jesus. I am so thankful to Shannon who was so willing to open herself and say all that she has done. That is who we were, that is not who we are now. I have had many sins in my life where I was so far from the Lord, but not really realizing it. I do now. I know that to be close to him I have to read his word and talk with him daily. I talk to him all of the time, but reading his word is very hard for me. This summer I did a lot of that. I need to continue. It gives me strength. I need peace and strength.
So we were told to clean out our house. Look for things that don't need to be there. Past loves...bad memories. My house has been a huge mess, and I am one of those people who can't do anything until it is clean. For some reason I have had some issues lately. I know that I am having a hard time at the moment, but I am still wearing the face of "I can do it. Everything is great in my life."
So I began to clean and I have to say the most painful thing is reading about my past marriage and how horrible he treated me and how awful it was to watch him fall apart slowly. Letter after letter I would beg him not to make me make the decision to leave. I would ask him to get help and he never did. It was such a painful past that I would rather not go there too often. Should I? I really didn't write that often, because I couldn't bare to put it on paper. That would mean I would have to face it.
The blessing is that God came to me and carried me. That was the old and this is the new. So many people bless me. I'm not sure why. Someone in my group gave money to go toward sitting so I can keep coming. The aftercare told me to not pay this month and that they would pay it. They also want to bring my family Thanksgiving Meal. My neighbor is giving me a printer. I am so thankful, and blessed. I love the verse about God's plans for us. They are plans for good and not evil. I truly feel that. Thank you Lord for all that you have given me.