P E A C E

P E A C E
It's early in the morning and snow is falling from the sky. I am listening to a soft piano music. I love to watch the snow fall. I hope you have peace today. Peace in knowing that God loves you and he is in control of your life, hopes and dreams. Blessings

Cleaning out my house....

I went to my women's group this Wednesday. This past summer it was such a blessing to be in the presence of all of these great, safe, Christian women. Our group has grown to 25 women now. There is such a need for women small groups. A place where we can go and let it all out. Nobody will judge you. Somewhat like Jesus. I am so thankful to Shannon who was so willing to open herself and say all that she has done. That is who we were, that is not who we are now. I have had many sins in my life where I was so far from the Lord, but not really realizing it. I do now. I know that to be close to him I have to read his word and talk with him daily. I talk to him all of the time, but reading his word is very hard for me. This summer I did a lot of that. I need to continue. It gives me strength. I need peace and strength.
So we were told to clean out our house. Look for things that don't need to be there. Past loves...bad memories. My house has been a huge mess, and I am one of those people who can't do anything until it is clean. For some reason I have had some issues lately. I know that I am having a hard time at the moment, but I am still wearing the face of "I can do it. Everything is great in my life."
So I began to clean and I have to say the most painful thing is reading about my past marriage and how horrible he treated me and how awful it was to watch him fall apart slowly. Letter after letter I would beg him not to make me make the decision to leave. I would ask him to get help and he never did. It was such a painful past that I would rather not go there too often. Should I? I really didn't write that often, because I couldn't bare to put it on paper. That would mean I would have to face it.
The blessing is that God came to me and carried me. That was the old and this is the new. So many people bless me. I'm not sure why. Someone in my group gave money to go toward sitting so I can keep coming. The aftercare told me to not pay this month and that they would pay it. They also want to bring my family Thanksgiving Meal. My neighbor is giving me a printer. I am so thankful, and blessed. I love the verse about God's plans for us. They are plans for good and not evil. I truly feel that. Thank you Lord for all that you have given me.

Dinner talk

The kids and I were sitting down to dinner and we pray for others at that time. It's always "pray for Sarah and her baby then pray for Dan and the children in Russia without any Mom or Dad" and "Pray for Daddy"



Tonight we were talking about Christmas gifts, and Erin said "what if we could give a gift to the orphans that Dan works with." Then Maddie said "Well we couldn't give just 3 that wouldn't be fair to the other children." Erin said "Well that just means we need to get more people to give gifts too." Simple!!! They wanted me to ask Dan, but since I've cut off real contact with him, it's not so easy.

I googled his name and found a blog about what he is doing over in Russia. As I read I felt such sadness for these forgotten children. I also felt so selfish for ever thinking or praying that he would stay and be with me. God is using him to touch the lives of these children. It also made me think that we as a nation are so selfish. Why are we so concerned about getting more, when there are children and families that have so much less.
This past week I was so blessed by people who do not know me that well. Someone in my bible study gave me 100$ to go towards babysitting, then the aftercare told me not to pay that they would pay it for me...no questions or comments, then Maddie's Sunday school teacher gave me 25$ to buy her a bible. He said that he knows that the money is nothing compared to what she will bring to others through his word. What a blessing it all was. Then last night I really needed a printer and I have needed one since last year. I was going to go out and buy one, but I truly didn't want to . My neighbor brings over this great printer that she can't use anymore. What a blessing!!!
So I'm asking myself...why am I being blessed all in this short amount of time. I know that God provides for every need that I have. Every prayer has been answered. There are times when I feel his presence and He is showing me something. I may have to do some searching to see what he is showing me. I am wondering if this is one of those times. So I pray that God will show me what he wants me to do. I give him all glory and praise. I am thankful that he has blessed me. So thankful. How awesome is the God we praise. He is who he says he is. He can do all that he says he can do!
Praise God!!
Kristin

No Dad to be found....

What makes a Dad? Have you ever thought of that? I have. Is it someone who helped create you, or is it someone who will play ball with you, and guide you? I'm hoping that my children will not feel the affects of not having a Dad. Oh...they have a Dad, but not a real Dad. Not someone that will teach my son what a Godly man should do. Not a Dad who will show my girls how a lady should be treated. They have a Dad who is not around.
I was getting my son out of the car, and out of the blue he said "we don't have a Dad anymore." I said "we don't?" He said " I don't think he will move here. We don't have a Dad."
My heart broke. These moments happen when you least expect it, and they hurt. I never wanted to raise my children alone. I would rather have died than to hurt my children. My prayer is that God will bring someone who can guide my children. Show them things that I can't. That is my prayer. I want them to feel loved by an earthly father and our father in heaven.
God speed

A love story....without a movie ending....

A love story that doesn't have a movie ending.
Last year during the summer I allowed Jon to stay on the couch till he could get his feet on the ground. He began to drink and become abusive. He scared my friends, and I became scared to sleep for fear that he may snap and do something to me. I finally told him he couldn't stay and he needed to go back home to Alabama. I no sooner got him out and I had to start getting ready to go back to teaching after 9 years of staying at home. I was so scared for so many reasons, and so beaten down. I remember saying to God that I didn't know how I would do it all. I also told him that I would never meet anyone, because I was a teacher, and there are no men in teaching. I also wasn't really thinking of that so much. I truly wanted to survive the year and that was it.
That first day of work I see this very tall, thin man walk through the doors. I didn't think anything of it because at that point I couldn't look at the opposite sex in the eyes after all that I had been through. We had a staff meeting and we had to introduce ourselves. I talked about my kids, and I don't know what else. It came to him and he got up and talked about working with orphans in Russia with Love Russia (a Christian organization). That got my attention because I have always wanted to work with orphans. That and his English accent, and he was very cute. Well my friend Sarah..who I had also just meet, but instantly felt connected asked me if we should ask him to church. I thought sure, but I don't think I could ask him,so we both talked to him and invited him to church. He and I began to talk. We talked about a lot of things, but most importantly we shared our faith. We had these deep talks about Jesus. I shared my "life story" with him, and he didn't judge or look at me differently. When I was near him my knees got weak, and my stomach felt funny. Our friendship grew...but quietly it was more than a friendship, something more that was unspoken. He would come to my room and talk, and make me laugh. He would bring me iced coffee and stick it on my desk when I wasn't looking, or pull one out of his pocket as we walked into school in the morning. My smile came back, and my bruised heart began to heal, and I was amazed with this man who challenged me. One day he asked if he could bring pizza over and a movie. I was like ugh you've meet my kids....they'll be there, and he was like YEAH! Well the kids were all over him and sitting on him and holding him. I thought that would be the last time he will ever suggest that again. Do you know what he told God on the way home? He said, "God is this the man you want me to be? Cause I could be that man." Well the next time he asked me to do something it was to eat and go to the movies. We would go get something to eat or see a movie at times, but not often. Now keep in mind I have no clue how he feels. We have not held hands or anything. He would just give me a really long hug, and I would think..do friends do this? I will skip to a great night. Dan was giving me a ride home from school, and he was so sad. I told him he was scaring me, because he was so not himself. He had tears in his eyes, and I just said "let's go and get a drink and snap you out of this." We went to Elizabeths and he began to talk about being a Christian Guy, and does God want him to be like Peter, or something else, and all of this questioning about who he was. I just told him that I never wanted him to change and he touched my hand and didn't let go. We just simply held hands and no words were needed. I remember electricity going through my arm. I remember asking God, "am I worthy of this moment, of this man?" Dan begins to say that he doesn't know what to say...this could have happened so long ago. I watch you walk down the hall and I can't help but stare and dream of what it would be like to hold you. And then he says that he wrote me a song and would I like to hear it. It was amazing. Everything I felt he was saying to me. I have never had anything like this happen to me. So the next day we have to work together and we can't help but giggle like kids. Our students were on to us before we ever told each other how we felt...so they would always laugh. But then reality hit him, or FEAR. He said that this was huge. Did I think of this as a 3 month thing or like marriage. (He always thought of being in the USA for a year and going back to Russia after that, so we had 3 months left in that year.) I told him that I felt God brought us together, because I would have never have chosen him. 1. He lived in London 2. He was 28 and I'm 37. I have never liked anyone younger than me, and I would never. Why would a 28 year old want me and my life? 3.We both felt the same thing at the same time, as strong as the other one felt it. He said we have 3 children to think about and if I'm leaving I don't want to hurt them. That if we went forward that would mean no Russia, and no going home, that this would be home. He asked if he could talk to a guy at church about all of this and I said sure. Well that guy said if he wasn't 200% sure about being with me than to not be with me. So Dan said I've made my decision...I'm going to Russia. Tears were in my eyes, and I was shocked. I couldn't understand how he could not want to see where God would take us. I cried the whole way home that day. When Sarah came into my classroom she cried with me. I was floored. That wasn't the end of the story. Stay tuned. God bless

So I find myself in very unfamiliar territory. Single. I have never wanted to be single, but this is where I am for now, so I believe that there is a reason. I know that God will work in me and mold me, and use me for his glory. That is my true desire. I would love for God to bring me a partner who has the same desires. In the mean time there are funny stories that happen to me while I wait for God to bless me. So here are 2 of them. I am going to tell you the cop story. Now some people may think this is sweet, but apart of me was upset...
I had just gotten home from a long day of trying to get my classroom ready for the new school year. I am so tired, but I come home to a houseful of children. I have 8 children in my house and running in my yard. Madison has a little friend over who weighs all of 20 pounds, but she is sneaky as anything!!!! They were upstairs playing house, or so I thought. All of a sudden Madison comes running downstairs upset and the phone is ringing and kids are running in and out. I answer the phone and it's the police telling me they are sending someone out because someone called 911. I wasn't happy. I let those girls have it. The little friend thought she could run home and nothing would happen, but I brought her right back over and made her wait for the cops. Meanwhile Madison who didn't call...is hyperventilating she is crying so hard. The other child could care less. So the cops shows up and is very kind. Wants to know "what's wrong with her?" (my child) I tell him she will be fine. He then asks me if I would like to be saved from a ticket and tells me my tag is out of date. I don't know these things for some reason. I ask if it matters if the car isn't in my name, and this leads into some questions where he finds out I'm not married. WELL this leads the cop to get out of his car and allow all of the kids to get in it and turn on the lights. He then gives me his card and puts his cell number on it and tells me if I need anything just call. This was very nice, but something made me feel like a piece of meat. Now my friend says that if this guy was my kind of drop dead gorgeous I would think all of this was so sweet, maybe I would, but I don't think so. I think I would have thought he was kind if not knowing anything, allowed all of the kids to get in the car and ask questions. When you step back and watch a person, you see their heart. I have met a man who has a very kind heart. One that gives. God didn't intend for us to be together, but I have seen what type of heart I would like to be married to. I remember this man was so busy. He had just gotten done telling me this long list of things he had to really get done that day and how stressed he was. Well I left work, and there he was in the parking lot changing this persons tire. I just remember thinking..what a great man. Oh don't get me wrong he has his issues as we all do, but he was a giver with a wonderful heart. Are you a giver? Would you stop and help someone even when life makes you super busy? I ask myself that...what would Jesus do?
Anyway that is the kind of heart I am looking for. And now you know why the cop sits outside my house. My neighbors are very happy that I live hear, because we now have a very safe street.
I will wait for my redeemer. (The story of Ruth)

My Life as I know it...

Ok, so this is my life at the moment. I am working on lesson plans with a house full of kids, well 3...but one of them seems like he is 3 kids in one. Every time he comes over he acts like the Tazmanian Devil and then eats all of my food when I'm not looking. Oh and there is a cop sitting outside my house. He likes to do that it seems.Why you might ask? I ask myself that too. ...And so the story of my life begins to unfold, but I must give you some background so the peices will fit.

I had the idea that I would be married forever and be a stay at home mom. That was my dream. My life turnned out different from that dream. I am greatful that it did. I have 3 wonderful children, and I have a glorious relationship with God.

I was married for 10 years. At first this man swept me off my feet. He did everything special you could think of. We got married and it was really good for a short time. I began to feel like this was not going to be the dream I had in mind. I first thought that when my husband got so drunk he peed in our hotel trash can thinking it was the toilet. My husband began to lie and drink. I say "began" lightly because I believe that he always lied to everyone to hide his real desires. He pulled away from me and beer became his mistress. He would come home drunk more often than not. I played my role in this life very well because in some ways I wanted things perfect. I didn't want anyone to know that my real life was hell and that I had no real marriage. That life began to unravel, and I began to have conversations with God. I talked to him all of the time...not realizing he was pulling me closer to him. I didn't want to leave and I tried everything I could think of. I remember one day when he had come home and started to back me into things...I just said "God I am barely hanging on here. Please help me." I felt God telling me to leave, but I had no job, no clue what to do. One night God told me "Breath in because you will not be here next year." I put my house on the market, and moved my whole family, and yes the drunk husband 10 hours away. We had no job, no family, and my husband was getting much worse. He would walk around like he was crazy. He would crap his pants and keep going, he would not shower for a full week. It was too much. I told him to leave and I put him on a plane to his family. By the end I was so scared for my life. I was on my knees crying out to God, and HE just wanted me to let go. I did and once I did...He carried me. He provided everything I needed to the day that I needed it. It was truly an amazing blessing. And that is where my story begins......